Perhaps not everyone desires happiness.

While its logical that all of us want to be
happy most if not all the time,
we sometimes wish for not happiness
but suffering.

In XXXholic, a teenage girl pretended
to be plagued by evil spirits, gaining
sympathy and attention from her friends,
scorning the reassurance from the protaganist
- who really could see evil spirits - that
she was fine. She got what she wanted when
evil spirits really did came to rest upon her.

Maybe I am like that too -
martyr complex. I want to live every day fully-
but today just rested/nuaed home - not
very prodcutive. Job - did I choose this
because I wanted to be challenged or
I wanted to bitch about something?
I sometimes enjoy telling friends - oh im
not doing too well in this, its so hard etc etc-
its probably because I desire sympathy and
pats on the back - "oh u poor thing u"
as opposed 2 really wanting to do well and improve.

what do i want to do in my leisure -
stuff on the list-
japanes lessons, driving - but do I enjoy these?
Yishun air pistol...
I used to enjoy video games,
I enjoy eating good food,
meeting old-ish friends.

Why is it when I have so much time now I dont
know how to enjoy it?
Is it the God complex? Is it really the case that
I need it - I cant be truly happy without?
That would defninitly turn life upside down agn.
But i dont like being made to feel everything
is a big moral decision - everything is difficult and
bad - guilt.
But mebe its I who make myself feel that.

I run to lose fat n make myself look good
I enjoy the process but do not enjoy the making
myself do it.
What hv i enjoyed in the past?
Games, movies, cooking, drawing and colouring.
Surely I can start drawing and colouring again?

But we change over time - mebe I have new things I love
anime is enjoyable but has its limits.
I do enjoy visits to the museum.
Tomorrow I will wake not too late so I can begin work
early. I shall visit CC and draft my trip report.
Perhaps I shall arrange for supper as well.
I do not feel like meeting up with the BB boys-
do i hold grudges? I was never close to them.
But did I feel that way then? not the resentment no.
Perhaps I just resented how I was made to feel small.
But who made me feel that way? No one set out to do that.
It was I who ultimately decided to feel that.
And circumstance. Is it because I think too much of myself?
Or start well but finish poorly?
The feeling of being let down.

I still remember things and events - people-
that might be considered to have let me down.
While I readily admit that I let myself down more-
I dont think I do so out of resolving this but
to verify myself as being sensible. A qualifier of sorts...

I just want to live everyday well and be happy.
I want to smile.
I want to use my heart.

What is real and not. Perhaps I should meet grace.